My dad and mom are previous. Thus, like just about all previous individuals in the USA, they moved right down to Florida. I am a really useful son, so I provided to drive their automobile from Chicago to simply outdoors of Jacksonville, Florida for them. It gave the impression to be the least I may do after they spent so a few years coping with my nonsense. Little did I do know that the automobile journey would finish within the largest disappointment of my life.
Beginning someplace across the Illinois/Kentucky border I began seeing billboards.
“Fifteen Foot Gator! Recent Orange Juice! 700 Miles!”
“Holy shit, FRESH ORANGE JUICE!,” I exclaimed. I had by no means had such a delicacy earlier than… OK, that is bullshit. I’ve had contemporary orange juice many, many instances in my life. However I had by no means seen an infinite alligator. I would seen gators, after all, however by no means one this frickin’ large! And it was solely 700 miles away, 700 miles that I needed to drive in any case.
On the time I used to be a naive and hopeful younger man, so I by no means even imagined that there can be a grift on the finish of my journey. Positive, I had some doubts. Like, for instance, why hadn’t I heard about this huge gator previous to flying previous this billboard at 88 MPH? Should not this have been on my radar sooner or later? This gator is FIF. TEEN. FEET. LONG!
It was about 80 miles later that I noticed one other billboard, and my pleasure rose. There was one other billboard 50 miles later. This development would proceed for the majority of my drive.
It was round this time that I actually began to construct up the concept of this 15 foot gator in my head. I used to be put together to not solely be awed however to have my complete idea of what nature was able to utterly obliterated. I used to be going to see a goddamn dinosaur and it simply so occurred to be situated on the similar exit off of I-95 that my father or mother’s new home was. It wasn’t only a coincidence, it was divine windfall. I used to be meant to see this gator.
After driving previous at the very least 20 billboards throughout 4 states, all with the identical verbiage, I lastly noticed a brand new one. It was superb.
“Fifteen Foot Gator! Recent Orange Juice! THIS EXIT!”
A surge of adrenaline hit me as I put the pedal to the steel and lower throughout two lanes of visitors to make the exit. I am fairly positive I hit the off ramp at such a harmful velocity that I nearly rolled my Monte Carlo.
I rolled into the primary parking spot I may discover and leapt out of the automobile. I did not stroll into the customer heart, I sprinted in. And there it was. Proper in entrance of my face. I used to be wanting straight into the attention of the beast and the beast was… a ceramic sculpture.
It definitely wasn’t a dwell gator and it wasn’t even a lifeless gator who had been stuffed. It was a fucking sculpture. This was, and nonetheless is, the largest disappointment of my life.
You already know what’s not disappointing? These gator tattoos. Take pleasure in.